♪ Well, I don't know Why I came here tonight ♪
♪ Got the feelin' That somethin' ain't right ♪
♪ I'm so scared In case I fall off my chair ♪
♪ And I'm wondering How I'll get down the stairs ♪
♪ And there's clowns to the left of me Jokers to the right ♪
♪ Here I am Stuck in the middle with you ♪
♪ Yes, I'm stuck in the middle with you ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh ♪
As you both know, I have just completed the market research
for our new product, the Rise Up,
brought to you by the people who brought you Ménage à Moi.
We know that. We're those people.
Please save your questions until the end.
That wasn't a question.
And you've just lost your question privileges.
Shh. I don't want us to get thrown out.
When presented with the word "toilet,"
the response from customers at Costco,
uh, varied from... "Gross,"
"Not sexy,"
"Get away from me now,"
and, "Where's the rotisserie chicken?"
Not great toilet news.
But where is the chicken in that place?
Unfortunately, the words "privy,"
"loo," "commode," and "shitter"
all tested better than the word "toilet."
- Shitter beat toilet? - Not the way you say it.
"Shitta" beat toilet.
Hmm, I can see that.
Well, I'm... I'm afraid, ladies, we're sunk.
No, we're not. It's hard to market.
It's a toilet.
You know, if it was easy, every joker would be making one.
Well, we do have some good news.
This outfit tested very highly for your date tonight,
especially in your target demo of men age 21 to 99.
You had her test your date outfit?
Look, I've been texting and flirting with Jack for weeks.
I've set the stage.
But now I've got to go out and be Lady Gaga, because this guy is cool.
What do you mean? You're always the cool one in a relationship.
You told me yourself.
I tell you lots of things, Grace.
He already likes you enough to give you a Jerry Garcia sneaker.
- Hmm. - Isn't that Deadhead for "I'm into you"?
Yes, but he went out with Carole King and Carol Kane.
Wow, you really are nervous.
I am. I went on a mock date with Coyote, and it did not go well.
- Thank you. - Mmm.
It's just that an egg white omelet
would've been the healthier option for you, that's all.
That's some banana split calling the omelet unhealthy right there.
I'm not familiar with that saying.
I'm not the one having surgery in a week.
Correct. I am.
And I don't think a few egg yolks are going to change my prognosis.
Stop! Are tomatoes bad now? Let me check.
"Are tomatoes bad now?"
Oh, yes. They are.
Wait. No, that's from 2014, hold on.
Scrolling, scrolling, scrolling,
ad, scrolling.
Okay, tomatoes are good to go. He's fine.
- You're fine. - Wait!
Carcinogens. Aren't there carcinogens in coffee?
I think there are. Good save, Robert.
You want Bud to rub your feet? Bud, can you rub his feet?
- On it. - No!
Stay away from my feet!
This, right here, is why I didn't want anyone to know about my surgery.
Where are you going?
To the cancer support group the doctor told us about.
Oh, that's a great idea.
We support that. Right, Robert?
Yes, we do. You need one of us...
- Guess he's all set. - Hmm.
- You just sticking around or... - Yep. On my way out.
Have you seen the stapler?
Yep.
Could you tell me where it is?
Why don't I just leave it on the printer,
and then when you're firing off another cover letter,
it'll be right there for you.
Okay.
Then, here's your report.
Slice.
You know, cut the tension.
- What do you need, Barry? - Right. Every department's out of paper,
and everyone's too afraid to come in and get it.
Does everyone need to print their résumés now?
I-I don't know.
I'll bring them some.
Quick, Barry, rip a fart in her fort.
- I can't. - Oh, now you can't?
So, seems like this sister-fight's winding down,
and everything's gonna be sort of resolved by, say, Friday 7:00 p.m.?
Why?
Ugh. Not going on a double date with her and Dan.
But the... the short rib.
What is it with you and that short rib?
The short rib is legendary.
Like... you know it received several thousand votes for mayor?
And you have to pay for it in advance, which I did.
And they won't seat less than four people at the table. I already checked.
Okay, fine. We'll just go with another couple.
Never mind. I'll just cancel the fucking reservation, I guess.
Barry, you don't think I can find someone else to go with us?
No, you know, I don't think you can find two people to go with us.
- What about...? - Bud and Coyote? Not officially a couple.
- Erin and Liz? - Vegetarians.
Of course. We have tons of other couple friends.
- And you've alienated all of them. - Not Mark and Cindy.
You mean Mike and Sandy?
Is... Is that their names?
This is why we need Dan and Mallory.
They're our only couple friends.
They were our only couple friends, until Mallory betrayed me.
You know what?
Make up with your sister or find another couple.
My mom and Nick?
- Yes. - Ew, no.
Hey, hey, hey.
Well, well. Someone must have had a good time on their date.
I did.
I think.
I mean, the ride there was fun. And the ride home was great.
Oh, no. Well, the date was bad?
Well, there's no way to know at this time.
It's just a default setting for them.
What did you just say?
...T-shirt cannon...
Whatever... no reason...
I'm sorry, one more time.
I couldn't bring any because of the straitjacket.
You couldn't hear him the entire night?
Well, I heard bits and pieces. What I heard, I liked.
Frankie, I want to thank you for tonight.
I want to thank you for letting me take my shoes off in here.
I know what I told you isn't exactly what everybody
would talk about on a first date.
I'm not everybody.
No, you're not.
I've never been on a date with someone who fills up on mints from the host stand.
Why would they have them up at the entrance
if they didn't want you to start with them?
Well, you know, the entrance is also the exit.
You're blowing my mind right now.
Wait, go back. What did he tell you?
"The entrance is also the exit."
No. I-I know that. Everybody knows that.
The thing you normally don't say on a first date.
I'm getting there.
Ah, I got to tell you,
part of the reason I haven't been out with anyone in so long
is that I've been ashamed to talk about it, for obvious reasons.
Loud and clear.
And you're a really great listener.
- I really am. - Mm-hmm.
In fact, I would gladly listen
to that thing you told me in the restaurant.
Again, right now.
I can't wait till Thursday.
Thursday?
Our second date, which I think we discussed in that too-loud restaurant.
Was it too loud,
or have you just needed hearing aids for years and refused to accept it?
How can I be the cool one in the relationship with a hearing aid?
Besides, they've never once gone with my outfit.
Now, an ear trumpet, on the other hand...
You sold me on the Rise Up when you said,
"Don't be ashamed of something you need."
Did I?
I can't hear most of what I say these days.
That's a blessing. But do you really want to start your relationship like this?
I don't want to spook Jack with every little flaw right away.
Besides, he thinks I'm accepting, chill, and a bitchin' listener.
- Well, you are. You're just a bad hear-er. - Hmm.
Okay, let's try to piece together what he might have said in that restaurant.
At one point he did say, "Tonight, we have a lovely clam linguine."
That was the waiter.
Could be.
- Hi. - Hi.
Do you need help with that? Sometimes they can be tricky.
No, I can take my jacket off myself, thanks.
Just making sure you know I'm here for you, whatever you need.
I know. Thanks.
So, how was your support group?
It was great. Really fun.
Talking about cancer was fun?
People with cancer make their own kind of fun.
Well, I'm really very proud of you for going.
Maybe next time I could go with you.
Oh, no, it's not for family members. Sorry.
Oh.
Well, then I-I guess it's better to talk to people who are going through it.
Yeah.
In fact, there's another one on Thursday. I'm going to go.
Okay.
And maybe afterwards, you can tell me all about it.
Oh. Robert...
the first rule of cancer club is, uh...
well, have cancer.
So, Jack, on Thursday, the day of Thurs,
how long do you think it would take me
to get to, uh, the place to which we are both going?
Uh, uh, wait, is that surface street time or highway?
And how fast do you think I drive?
Just pick her up.
Beach house, 6:00 p.m., no cops.
Ah, thank you. Why didn't I think of that?
Because you didn't go to Jason Statham's charm school.
Okay, okay, everybody, focus on me. Yo!
So, I was up all night.
Ooh, lucky Nick.
Huh? Oh. Oh, he's fine.
No, I was working.
And do you know what I realized?
I love this.
I love working with you.
Well, right back at you, sister.
I love spinning your bonkers ideas into gold.
Well, fuck you, sister.
And I figured out how we're gonna market the Rise Up.
You know how you don't want to freak Jack out by leading with the negatives?
It's the same thing with Rise Up.
We have to ease people into it,
and then, once they're on board, boom, toilet.
Just come out and say it: I'm your muse.
Whatever.
We're selling a brand, right? An idea, not just a toilet.
So our marketing has to empower older people
while we build a mystique around it.
And then we just blast them with the toilet.
No, we don't blast anybody.
But you said, "Boom, toilet," and nobody batted an eye.
I am not getting into the weeds with you over "booming" versus "blasting." Again.
So, ladies and ladies,
our teaser campaign.
Now this is sexy.
I would definitely tell you to buy me whatever this is selling.
This is gonna go online,
and then, hopefully, people will start to engage with us.
Can we also post these all over town,
like on buildings and overpasses?
What a great idea.
I have ski masks, a ladder, and wheat paste in my car.
Well, I suppose we can use that stuff to hang posters.
Ye...
Yes, of course I'm serious about dinner.
Yes, but I like to think of us as the type of friends who don't speak for two years
and then just pick up right where we left off.
Okay, then stop watching my Instagram stories.
Hey, it's Bri.
Brianna.
Brianna Hanson.
Okay, bye.
You wanted to see me?
Hey, E-dog.
I know it's Erica. I just wanted to show you how close we are.
- Oh, God, what's happening? - Nothing!
- This is for you. - Oh.
I just wanted to see whatcha doing Friday night.
Um, working late? Is that the right answer?
The right answer is having fun... with me and Barry.
Dinner, Friday night, you and your...
girlfriend? Boyfriend?
Please make a face so I know when I'm close.
I've been married a year. To Pete.
We met here.
Great. So we're on for Friday.
What? Oh, Friday.
I can't.
I'm...
getting an operation.
It's elective.
And I'm electing.
Hmm.
Big bumms, you're gonna have to reschedule that.
You'll be working late. Now get out.
- Barry. - Hi.
Just had to give Erica a talking-to about fiscal ointment projections.
You get it.
You tried to get her and Pete to come to dinner, didn't you?
Who the fuck is Pete?
Oh, here's another good one.
"My boss was trying to get me to retire early,
but I rose up and refused.
- He ended up giving me a raise." - Ah!
"Hashtag rise up."
I can't believe this is working.
I can't believe how much hummus is on your screen.
Oh.
Here's a good one.
"At a restaurant, they only had those high tables with terrible stools.
But I rose up and demanded a chair with a back. Hashtag rise up."
I demand a raise. Hashtag rise up.
No.
Well, I've already risen up. So I guess I'll go and make us some tea.
Hello?
In here.
I just wanted to stop by and give my dad this healthy green shake I made.
It's Bud's recipe. Don't tell him I used it.
- Still fighting over a girl? - Mm-hmm.
That's great for you two grown men.
Why is the green shake brown?
Oh, a bunch of Ubers canceled on me.
Ugh. I was standing outside for a while.
Where's Dad?
He's with his cancer support group at the JCC.
- Hmm. - No idea when he'll be back.
Oh, I-I sometimes go to AA meetings there.
I'm sure the schedule's on their website. Let me check.
Yeah, here it is. Uh, "Family Cancer Support Group."
Family? No, he goes to the one just for the patient.
- Are you sure? - Mm-hmm.
"For cancer patients, their family, and caregivers."
Yeah.
Yeah, it's the only one.
Why didn't he want me there?
Well, if it makes you feel better, you can come to one of my AA meetings
and support me.
I can't that day. Sorry.
You want half to go?
Thanks.
Hey.
Where's, uh, Brianna?
She said she'd rather eat in a bathroom stall than with me.
So, how are you... how you holding up?
Well, actually, it's been just...
I feel you. I feel you. It's like, ugh!
- Mm-hmm. - I hate seeing you two fight.
- Right. - You know, it's...
Look...
I never had siblings.
You know, I-I-I had bird brothers,
which, uh, you know, they'd fight occasionally,
and they're pretty quick to make up though.
Okay.
But that's how they do in bird society.
Barry, I don't give a fuck about your short rib.
This is... This is bigger than the short rib, Mallory.
All I did was apply for a job.
And all you have to do is apologize for it.
I need to apologize?
- Yeah! - Hmm.
I mean, if you... if you feel like you should.
Whenever Brianna and I fight,
it only ends if I say I'm sorry for something I didn't do.
That's what being in a relationship with Brianna is.
Doesn't that sound crazy to you?
Oh, my God, Brianna is crazy!
What? Are you okay?
- This... - Wait a min...
Hey.
Too crazy to cancel that short rib?
Ta-da! All right, I'm ready for whatever and wherever this date is.
I have my formal muumuu, a funky duster,
and cut-off shorts I've restored to pants.
Are you sure about this?
You're right. I'll turn them back into shorts.
No. What if Jack's secret is something bad?
Oh.
How bad could it be? He told me on our first date.
What if he's a flat-earther?
What if he's a dog kicker?
No, I asked him point-blank if he kicked dogs.
What if he doesn't believe in aliens?
Oh, you shut your mouth.
Doesn't it seem like a lot of work just to hide the fact
that sometimes you have trouble hearing?
I don't know. Aren't we all just hiding our toilets, Grace?
That is one of your more troubling metaphors.
Six crack.
Nine dot.
Uh, five crack.
Oh, God.
Okay, my husband's here,
and he thinks I'm at the cancer support group next door.
So you both have cancer right now, so just go with it.
I had cancer once. Skin.
Great. Follow Greg's lead.
Uh, yes, and Greg's skin cancer is, uh...
Uh, I-I don't know, uh...
This isn't your improv class, Ron. Just be cool.
Sol.
- What's going on? - Oh. Hey, Robert.
Whatcha doing here?
Well, I was just coming to support you in your cancer support group.
I saw online that families are allowed.
And welcome.
Mm-hmm.
Greg, what was that thing you were just saying about your skin cancer?
Uh, no, thank you.
Uh, I, uh...
Cancer.
- Hey, Jack. - Hey, Grace. Nice to see you again.
- Jack's here. - Hey!
I hope this is all right to wear on our date.
Of course it is.
You could wear your pants as a jacket as far as I'm concerned.
Oh, really?
I'm just so happy you agreed to a second date with me.
Why wouldn't I go on another date with you?
I guess because the only other time I told someone what I told you,
she freaked out and ghosted me.
Hmm.
Look, Jack...
I-I need to be honest about that thing you told me the other night.
Oh, man, now you're freaking out.
No, no, no. Uh, the reason I reacted so well was, um...
was Grace told me the exact same thing
about her.
- Oh. - So I was used to it.
And... And since you two have that in common,
why don't I give you some space to talk about it.
Uh, anybody want some pop?
Oh, Grace, wow.
Yeah. Wow, indeed.
- Yeah, just a second, Jack. - You... Yeah. Wow.
Absolutely not!
There's a special place in hell
for women who don't help other women.
I am not gonna pretend that I have the same deep, dark secrets that Jack has.
Why not?
I don't even know what they are, and neither do you,
'cause you're too ashamed to admit you can't hear.
Oh, just like you're too ashamed to tell everyone we're selling a toilet.
I'm generating intrigue.
That's what I'm doing.
Mine's working. Yours is a disaster.
Look at this, working.
"I rose up for equal pay at work. Hashtag rise up."
"I rose up for access ramps at my grocery store. Hashtag rise up."
"I rose up for less Jews at my country club! Hashtag..."
Oh, my God.
I'm sure that must be one crackpot.
And 70 of the crackpot's friends.
Turn off the Internet! Turn off the Internet!
What if Jack's secret is that he doesn't want Jews in his country club?
You happy? Now I'm not talking to my boyfriend either.
Fuck that.
How is it that no matter what you do to someone, it's never your fault?
I know. I've struggled with this irony, too.
Then struggle with this:
I was seeing if I could actually get a job that wasn't given to me by my sister.
I wanted to know that I was worth something...
to someone on my own merits.
Didn't you feel that exact same way with Mom?
Yes.
Okay, I get it. Sort of.
But...
I thought we were kind of in this together now, Mal.
Why didn't you ever tell me that?
Oh, Jesus.
Why can't the people in my life just know how hard it is for me
to say nice things and stop fucking bothering me about it?
Do you see how hard everything is for me, Mal?
Yeah, no, it's so tough. It's so, ugh!
Well, none of it matters now because I'm sure you got the job. But...
you should stay.
I want you to stay.
Thank you.
I am staying.
But you should know that I didn't get the job.
- What? - Yeah.
Well, you have to give me names,
'cause I'm gonna be making some phone calls
and telling them that they are fucking idiots
and thank them for being fucking idiots.
Thank you.
And I will go with you to short rib on Friday.
Great.
But don't tell Barry yet.
He's much more generous in bed when he's depressed.
Before you say anything, I'm not mad.
I know you're under a lot of stress, so I forgive you.
No!
I reject your forgiveness.
What? No, you can't do that.
I just did. Because I lied to you, and you should be mad.
Well, I'm sorry.
I just don't think it's healthy for me to be mad at you right now.
That! That right there. That's what I don't want.
Well, what do you want?
To be treated like a normal guy for five minutes.
But instead, you and everyone else keep rubbing cancer in my face.
- That's not true. - Oh, yeah? Well, I know for a fact
Coyote snuck my credit card back into my wallet this week.
And if that isn't rubbing cancer in my face, I don't know what is.
I'm sorry, Sol.
I just...
wanted one place I could go
and not have to think about it.
Well, you should've led with that!
Not dealing with things
is my preferred way of dealing with things.
Grace hated that about me. You hate it about me.
I see the value in it now.
Well, I'm... just trying to figure out what I'm supposed to do here.
- I'm a little lost. - Me, too.
Can we be lost together?
Yes.
And I'll try to be better about telling you what I need.
Okay.
Robert, would you care to attend my cancer denial group?
What exactly would that entail?
- We eat crappy food... - Mm-hmm.
...and we don't talk about feelings.
I feel so seen.
- Hey. - Hey.
Can we talk out here for a minute?
Uh, yeah, but if we don't leave soon, we'll miss our reservation.
I'm not sure you're gonna want to go after I tell you what I have to tell you.
Oh, well, I'm listening.
I hope I take it as well as you did.
You know how there are those people, who, when they get older,
they end up needing hearing aids because it gets harder to hear?
Especially in cool new restaurants?
Yeah, I've heard legend of, yes.
Well, them peeps be me.
I've needed hearing aids for years, but I was too embarrassed to get them.
Frankie, I-I don't mean to belittle your experience, but...
why would I not want to go to dinner with you after that?
Because if I hadn't been too embarrassed to get them,
I... I would have been able to hear what you told me the other night.
But I didn't. So I couldn't.
And now I have no idea what you've tried to tell me.
You're serious?
- You didn't hear me? At all? - No, not a word.
But on the upside, I can hear you now.
And I want to hear whatever you have to say.
Okay, here it goes.
Years ago, I told everyone I went to rehab for drinking.
Oh, that's no problem.
I lived with my son for years in rehab.
I wasn't supposed to,
- but I hid really well. - Hmm.
But that wasn't the truth.
Oh.
Twist.
Oh, twist.
The truth is, I didn't go to rehab.
That's what I told people because it sounded a lot cooler
than where I really went.
Where did you really go?
I was asked rather insistently
not to be a part of society for a little bit.
Well, that's... that's not a big deal.
I did my nickel. Five hours at Disneyland jail.
No. I spent several months in a psych hospital.
I had a miserable divorce that went on forever,
and I did not react well.
I may have mailed my wife's rabbit to the president.
And they blew him up pretty quick.
Wow, that is heavy.
Yeah.
I guess not everybody can deal with it.
I'm not everybody.
No, you're not.
Oh, the website is updated.
Should be no more confusion now. It's clearly a toilet.
We've disavowed all the hate groups
that co-opted the Hashtag Rise Up campaign.
We sent that anti-Semite the complete works of Elie Wiesel
and Seinfeld.
That's the end of the list.
Now what?
Now everybody hates us.
On the bright side, it seems that, in this time of extreme polarization,
we've brought all these disparate groups together in hate against a common enemy.
Yeah, our toilet.
Hmm.
Oh.
This could be a positive tweet.
"Your toilet sucks."
Oh, darlings.
We're sunk.
♪ Oh, now, baby, don't you do it wrong I did it ♪
♪ I did it ♪
♪ If I crack, won't ya keep it going I did it ♪
♪ I did it ♪
♪ Break my back, work my bones ♪
♪ If I lie, don't do me wrong ♪
♪ I did it ♪
♪ Hey-ey ♪
♪ Hey-ey, oh ♪
♪ I did it ♪
♪ Hey-ey, mmm ♪
♪ Hey-ey, ah ♪
♪ Ah, mmm ♪
♪ Hey-ey, oh ♪
Okay, good night!